Tantrums, Meltdowns, and the Art of Co-Regulation
- Dynamic Learning Alliance
- Nov 7
- 4 min read
There are few parenting moments more stressful than a temper tantrum: standing in the grocery aisle while your child is screaming, kicking, or refusing to move. It’s hard not to take it personally, but these powerful outbursts are not a choice for children under the age of 5; they are a breakdown in a still-developing emotional system.
The key to managing these moments is understanding the science behind the behavior. Your job to help your child navigate the storm in a way that grows their brain and teaches self-regulation.
How you handle tantrums now inform how your child's system should handle big emotions as they grow up.
What is happening in their brain during a tantrum?
Before you respond, you must determine what kind of event is happening. Using the wrong response (like ignoring an overwhelmed child) will make the situation worse.
Outburst Type | What It Is | Primary Driver | What it Looks Like |
Tantrum | Goal-Oriented | The child is frustrated and trying to get something (attention, a tangible item) or escape a demand. | The child is seeking a reaction. The behavior may stop if the goal is met or attention is removed. |
Meltdown | Physiological Overload | The child is genuinely overwhelmed by sensory input or big emotions. It is involuntary; they have lost control. | The child cannot be reasoned with. The distress continues regardless of attention or rewards. They are in survival mode. |
When your child is deep in a meltdown (or a high-intensity tantrum), their brain’s upper thinking part of their brain(Prefrontal Cortex) has gone offline.
The Alarm Bell Rings: The lower impulsive part of our brain - the Amygdala (the brain's threat detection center) senses overwhelm, danger, or extreme frustration and pulls the alarm.
The System Shuts Down: The stress response reduces the limited capacity of the upper thinking part of their brain which is the center for reasoning, self-control, and emotional regulation.
The Result: Your child cannot access logic, reason, or self-control. Trying to talk, demand an explanation, or use consequences during this moment is useless as their brain cannot process it.
Why it is so hard to stay calm.
It is incredibly difficult to remain calm when your child is screaming, whining, hitting. You and your child are biologically linked - when you became the primary parent or caretaker, your brain changed to prioritize your child! This includes restructuring to prioritize any information that has to do with your child and the linking of your stress response to their cries.
This is true of fathers, adoptive parents and other primary caretakers but the biggest changes in brain chemistry occur in biological mothers due to the pregnancy hormones.
What's happening? Your child's distress floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline - the two primary stress hormones. This is what helps exhausted parents get up at 3am for weeks when their baby is little, but it doesn't go away until long after our children grow up. So when your child is a toddler and is having a meltdown because they got the wrong color cup - your body is responding as if they were a baby needing to be fed.
Your non-thinking impulsive lower brain is screaming at you to address the needs of your child while your upper thinking brain is irritated this is your child's reaction to a cup. However, your calm presence is the strategic biological intervention.
You must remain regulated to help them regulate (a process called co-regulation).
The goal is to bring your child down to your level of calm, not to let them pull you up to their level of panic. Taking a moment to regulated yourself is critical.
Before you engage, regulate yourself first.
Take a deep, slow breath to signal safety to your own nervous system.
Talk yourself through it - acknowledge the stress response.
Hum to yourself.
Take a step outside in the sunshine.
Drink some water.
The art of co-regulation
Follow this sequence to move your child safely from crisis to calm, respecting their brain's capacity at each stage :
Phase 1: Regulate (Safety First)
The goal is to calm the body and signal that the threat is gone.
Create Safety: Ensure the child (and others) are safe. Move them to a quiet space if necessary.
Go Low: Get down to their eye level. Standing over them can heighten stress.
Minimize Talk: Do not reason. Use only short, gentle phrases to reassure them: "I'm right here," or "You are safe".
Offer Comfort: Use a calm voice and gentle touch (if accepted) to activate their parasympathetic nervous system.
For Tantrums | Engage their Senses: The opportunity for sensory play re-engages their upper thinking brain and calms their nervous system.
Smell is the strongest connection between the lower and upper brain. The smell of a favorite stuffy or a parent calms the system.
Calmly, carefully pick them up and take them outside.
Run a bath.
Blow bubbles.
Pull out the playdough.
Phase 2: Reason (Validate and Problem-Solve)
This phase only happens after the child is fully calm and regulated. Their upper thinking brain is back online, ready to learn.
Label Emotions: Help them build emotional vocabulary: "I can tell you were frustrated and angry".
Identify the Trigger: Talk calmly about what led to the outburst.
Practice Coping: Teach and coach alternative self-regulation skills, like deep breathing or finding a calming corner, to prevent the next crisis.
By consistently acting as your child's external upper thinking brain, you are actively wiring their brain to internalize these calming strategies, gradually building their emotional resilience for life.
Want new ideas and guided information from a child development expert? Join a small community group of toddler parents. We discuss topics related to self-regulation and executive function, shared experiences and opportunities to ask questions and collaboratively problem solve.
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