Tiny Hands, Big Hits: A Guide to Toddler Aggression and Defiance
- Dynamic Learning Alliance
- Jan 16
- 4 min read
It happens in a flash: a tiny hand swings, a set of teeth latches on, or a once-cooperative child suddenly treats getting dressed like a professional wrestling match. When your toddler hits, bites, or refuses to budge, it feels personal but their bodies are simply acting on impulse and engaging their very new sense of independence.
To help your young child move through this stage, we have to look past the behavior and see the communication behind it.
Why Do Toddlers Hit?
Toddlers are not rational beings. Between the ages of 18 months and three years, children are experiencing a surge in motor control and a blossoming desire for autonomy, but they still have very limited impulse control and language skills.
When a toddler hits, kicks, or bites, they are often using their body to say:
"I'm overwhelmed and need a break."
"I want that toy right now!"
"I’m exploring what happens when I do this."
"You’re too close to me. Get away!"
How Can I Handle Toddler Aggression?
You have options on how to respond in a way that grows social awareness and self-control in the long-term.
Strategy 1: Redirect the Energy
For many children, aggressive behaviors such as hitting, throwing things, growling, kicking, biting is an explosion of energy actually trying to bring them back to calm. They feel these big feelings, it causes stress in their body, they don't like it so they try to output it somehow, usually in an unhealthy way.
Safe Alternatives: If your child needs to hit, offer a pillow or couch cushion. Let them stomp on safe ground or jump on a piece of bubble wrap.
Engage their Bodies: Give them a clear movement task like walking like different animals, jumping jacks, spinning or trying to push the wall down. Like a fire drill, practice these safe "angry" moves when everyone is calm so the child knows what to do when the storm hits.
The Script: "It looks like you are very mad right now. Hitting is not okay, but you can stomp your feet as hard as you can!"
Strategy 2: Disengage your Attention
If your child hits or bites you to get a reaction, the best response is to be as uninterested as possible. Intense reactions (even negative ones like yelling) can actually reinforce the behavior by providing a big response.
Children crave attention, even when it is negative. Reward good behavior with tons of attention, address negative behavior with the removal of attention.
Some methods to disengage:
Interrupt the Action: Gently catch their hand before the hit lands and release.
Walk Away: If you are home and your child is in a safe space, get up without saying anything, turn your back and walk calmly away. Re-engage enthusiastically when they are calm.
The Script: Use a calm, neutral tone: "I understand you are upset, but I won't let you hit."
Strategy 3: Reworking the Power Struggles
Power struggles typically emerge around age two as children try to assert their independence. They are beginning to understand they have impact and can make choices, but lack the skills and self-awareness to make wise or safe choices at times. If you push, they will push back harder.
Build in the Illusion of Choice: When you have somewhere to go, make it into a simple choice. Instead of "Let's get your shoes on," try "Do you want your pink or blue shoes?" This takes the focus off of leaving and engages their thinking brain to make a choice of what shoes they want.
Make it Fun: Use a timer to beat the clock or see how fast the can complete a task.
Natural Consequences: If they absolutely refuse to wear a coat, take it with you. Letting them feel the cold air outside often helps them realize why we wear them. Or if they play and feel fine without one, that's ok too.
Strategy 4: Managing the "Runaway" Toddler
It can be terrifying when a toddler bolts in a parking lot or store. This fearless behavior is usually driven by a burgeoning desire for independence and curiosity.
Positive Commands: Instead of shouting "Don't run!", reframe it to tell them exactly what to do: "Stay next to me" or "Hold my hand."
Practice Safety Skills: When everyone is calm, practice responding to commands like "Stop" and "Wait" as a game. Talk about why we have safety rules, and how it is not to ruin any fun.
Use Visuals: For some children, placing a "Stop" sign sticker on the door or marking a "safe zone" with tape on the floor helps make abstract boundaries concrete.
Challenging behavior is often a call for help from a child lost in their own big impulses and emotions. By staying calm and acting as their "anchor," you show them that while their feelings are always okay, certain actions are not. It's ok to be angry. It's not ok to hit.
Want to dive deeper into these strategies? Join us for the Little Bodies, Big Feelings Series at Rolesville Parks & Recreation. We’ll help you and your child build the "logic center" skills needed to replace hits with words.
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