The Toddler Storm: A Research-Backed Guide to Understanding and Navigating Temper Tantrums
- Brittany Miller
- Oct 3
- 4 min read
As parents, caregivers, and educators, we’ve all been there: a child transitions instantly from a happy, engaging explorer to a screaming, kicking bundle of fury on the floor. These intense emotional outbursts, known as temper tantrums, are one of the most challenging, yet normal, parts of early childhood development
The most important takeaway from current developmental science is this: Tantrums are not manipulation; they are communication. They are a signal that a child is overwhelmed and lacks the brainpower or skills to cope.
It's the Brain, Not Bad Behavior
Why do toddlers melt down so easily? The part of the brain responsible for impulse control, planning, and emotional regulation known as the prefrontal cortex (PFC), or the "logical brain" is underdeveloped in young children. MRI scans confirm that the circuits governing self-control are structurally under construction until at least age 5.
When a child is frustrated, tired, or hungry, their brain’s alarm system (the amygdala) signals danger, triggering a full stress response. Because the PFC cannot step in to offer rational thought, the child is literally incapable of managing their feelings or responding to logic during the meltdown. Another way to say this is that they are dysregulated.
What this means: When a child is screaming, their logical brain is offline. Reasoning or debating with them at this moment will not have the affect we wish it did.
What does a "normal" tantrum look like?
It helps to know that virtually all toddlers (over 90% of two- and three-year-olds) experience tantrums. The good news is they are usually very quick.
Normal Tantrum Characteristics:
Characteristic | What the Research Says |
Duration | The median length is only 3 minutes. 75% of tantrums last less than 5 minutes. Up to 10 minutes is normal. |
Frequency | 1-2 per day. |
Mood | The child recovers quickly and returns to a normal mood and behavior between episodes. |
Behaviors | Mostly crying, screaming, and flailing in frustration. |
How can I reduce or prevent them?
The most effective way to handle tantrums is to prevent them from starting. This focuses on building the stability and skills their developing brain needs.
Here is a research-backed framework known as the C.A.L.M. strategy :
C - Communicate and Model Calmness: Your calm is contagious. Children learn how to manage big feelings by watching you. Avoid yelling and model good communication, even when you are stressed.
A - Attend to Needs and Give Positive Attention: Avoid known triggers like hunger (low blood sugar is linked to irritability) and fatigue. Proactively offer positive attention and specific praise when your child is behaving well. Praise encourages the child to repeat those desirable actions.
L - Let the Child Share Feelings and Offer Choices: Give your child safe space to express their emotions. Offer simple choices to give them a sense of control (e.g., “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?”).
M - Make Routines Consistent: Predictable daily routines (especially for sleep and mealtimes) create a sense of safety and reduce chaos, lowering the likelihood of an outburst.
By consistently responding to your child with empathy and presence, you are building a foundation of trust that helps them feel safe expressing all their emotions, which is critical for long-term resilience.
How should I respond to a toddler tantrum?
You are not going to be able to prevent all tantrums, so what do you do when one happens? Our role is to calm them to unlock their logical brain again. And that is a challenge! Because you are human - your dysregulated child can pull you into dysregulation too where your rational brain shuts down and you turn reactive instead, raise our voice and make impulsive choices. How you respond to toddler tantrums are essential to supporting self-regulations skills.
Ask yourself:
Do I want my toddler to pull me into dysregulation where we both aren't thinking or acting rationally?
OR
Do I want to bring calm to my child so that I can pull them into regulation?
This key question is the most important thing to know about toddler tantrums: They can't regulate their brain - but you can through co-regulation. Bring calm to their brain and nervous system by remaining and modeling calm. It might take a moment, but this method has far greater and long-term positive impact leading to less frequent and less intense meltdowns.
When an outburst inevitably happens, follow the R.I.D.D. strategy :
R - Remain Calm: This is non-negotiable. Your calm approach helps turn off the alarm in their brain.
I - Ignore the Tantrum: For behaviors that are not dangerous, planned ignoring is often the most powerful tool. Removing your attention prevents you from accidentally rewarding the tantrum, which could reinforce the behavior in the future.
D - Distract and Redirect: Steer their attention to a new activity or location, especially if they are younger. Turn a challenging task into a game to change their focus.
D - Don't Give In to Demands: Meet their safety and physical needs, but stand firm on the demand that triggered the tantrum. Giving in teaches the child that tantrums are an effective tool to get what they want.
After the Storm: Connect, Don't Correct
Once the child has calmed down, use a "Time-In" approach: stay close, offer comfort, and acknowledge the big feelings they experienced (e.g., “I see you were so angry when it was time to leave”). This process of labeling emotions is called emotional literacy and is crucial for teaching self-regulation skills for the future.
For specific strategies provided in a fun interactive workshop for toddlers and their parents, join us for the Monster Mash Meltdown hosted at the Wake Forest Community library!
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